So not purr.

I’m still in trouble. Don’t tell the lady, but the one guy who’s on my side in this mess let me get on here tonight. That’s right, He Who Rescued Me From The Depths Of Hell sneaked me on the iMac while She Who Won’t Let Me Sleep Upon Her Head is at the store.

Yes, I am again sleeping on her head. She must learn that I am Max, and I’m not to be trifled with. I sleep when I want to, and WHERE I want to.

Speaking of me, I saw this on Etsy a while ago. It’s so me! If I was still in school and I packed my lunch, you’re durn right I’d be sporting the Meh Sack. Awwww yeah!

I think you like it, too.

You think YOU’RE mad?

Hmph. You have no idea. NO IDEA what “mad” is! You’re not the one who’s been grounded from the internet for the eternity that’s passed since I was last here. Oh no.

Why was I grounded, you ask? It’s so stupid. You’re just going to laugh or maybe get mad at my humans, but I’ll tell you. Your reaction is up to you and has no bearing on me and my already-established angryhood.

I was grounded because the female human said I wasn’t allowed to sleep on her head anymore because it made her wake up with, whatever, “sinus headaches.” She said I wasn’t allowed to use the iMac or the laptop until I stopped sleeping on her head.

I know! Obviously I’m Max, and I’m allowed to sleep anywhere I want. But I’m the bigger cat here, and I relented. I have slept on her head all this time just to prove my point, but I just really missed the internet, so I decided I can sleep on her stomach for a while instead. I told her I wouldn’t sleep on her head anymore… she said nothing about the rest of her. Meh! Meh meh!

Remember my box? I was just thinking about how much fun a good box is.

I loved this box. Man, what a great box.

Ah, amore.

It’s a year for wedded bliss, I tell ya. My pal Joy is getting married tomorrow. I was mad at her for a long time because (and I have proof) she practically drooled over that stupid prouncer when “it” first came to annoy us, er, I mean live with us.

Yeah, Joy just went hog wild for that puppy. Beats me— I don’t know why humans seem to like baby drool fiends so much. But I forgave Joy a few months ago.

So happy for Joy. Joy is my cousin Sidney’s mom. So, Aunt Joy, technically, but she’s more like my adopted aunt because she’s human and not related by blood to my humans, and since Sid’s a cat like me, Max, she’s my cousin-cousin.

Is anyone else out there getting married, or have been married? Sigh. I want to get married some day, too. I think it must be so nice to have somebody to come home to, who gum-runs you, plays bally-ball with you, and helps you bathe the tough spots to reach. Dharma and I do some of that stuff together sometimes. Not nearly as often as I would LIKE, of course, because I’m madly in love with her and she doesn’t know it….

If Dharma would marry me, I’d promise to do the laundry. Every week. And when she goes away on vacations that I can’t go on with her, I’d make sure the laundry was done by the time she got back.

Really, I would.

This laundry basket is officially empty.

Zombified

Hey friends!

Yes, it’s me– Max. I’m back! Sorry for the long-time-no-Max, but you know. I had to take another vacation, then my she-human went on a scary trip to the Smokey Mountains with some feral college freshmen and I was worried sick the whole time, then I had to help my dude-human with his homework… so you know! I’m busy!

I’m just minding my busicat, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. I take care of me, myself, and I, and my humans. See, they need me. Without me, Max, they’re… they’re….short-circuited. Like they don’t work right. Their wires get crossed and they start to electrocute each other! It’s true. So I’m here, Mr. Peace Guy Cat, and I take care of them. You know I have to cuz like they can do it themselves, noooooo way.

It does get tiring, however. I’ll admit that. Hey, no, it’s NOT a weakness. It’s just a big job and I’m just one Max (not like there are any other Maxes, shizzy no!). But yeah, I’ll get a little zombified after awhile. Like I did the other day. It was pretty bad. I didn’t give a meh about anything after I had my dinner.

And just at that moment, those ingrates choose to immortalize my zombification. As you can see.

Whatever! I still look gooood.

Not it, but still MAX

And if it’s MAX, then obviously it’s awesome. Because, as we all know, I’m the greatest. I’m lovin’ life an livin’ large, if ya follow my tail twitch.

Nope. Noperooni, I did NOT hear you correctly just now. You know what? You’re making me mad because everyone on the planet knows it’s JUST A SAYING! Everyone except for you, you big stupid wiener.

Durn it! Sometimes dogs can be so, so… caninical. I totally lost my path of least resistance. Ummm… MMMMM, ice cream with caramel! Thanks, Dad! You ROCK. Rocky rocky rockin’ my world!

Oops, got sidetracked again! Ok ok ok, I’m good now. I’m back! Max is back and you are not going to believe what I have in store for you. It’s a drawing. Of me, Max. No no, not THE drawing (or “likeness” as I like to say, because it’s old-fashioned, like me. Chivalrous, and all that.) I’ve been telling you about, but another one. An older one. The first one, in fact. I hope you like it.

I think I look very good in this drawing. My name's there, too!

Great Mews

I know, I know. I’m a cornball. But that’s just the way I feel right now! I can’t help it.

You’d be happy, too, if your likeness was being taken and it was almost finished. Or, so I’ve heard, anyway. Argh! The agony of the wait! Arghedemoo, the agony of the anxiety over whether or not it will be like me at all!

Don’t you hate it when somebody says they’re going to draw a picture of you and you’re all, “Whatever, that doesn’t look like me.” Yeah, I hate that, too.

In the meantime, here’s a picture that’s worth a thousand words… to me, and maybe you if you’re creative. I’ll let you guess what’s going on. Did somebody in my peanut gallery just holla “caption contest!”??? Awesome! Ok! Let’s rock:

Caption contest! Reply with your ideas...

Great words

I’ve been collecting a list of the best and most frequent things you can overhear at my house. In no particular order, I give you:

Maya, get down!

Emma! No!

Maya! Don’t eat that lizard!

Emma, stop licking my leg.

Emma, get out of my shower.

Dharma, please purr a little less loudly, ok? (Ahh, my sweet Sweet spreads her sweetness resoundingly!)

Super Snuff!

What’s Snuffinin’!

Max, you are the best, most handsome kitty the world has ever and will ever know.

High four! Yeah, Dharmy!

What’s a Magpie to do?

Who’s the best Pie?

Maya! Stop eating the tortilla chips!

Emma, sit. SIT!

Magpie, sit. Good girl! Shake. Awwww, who’s da Pie??

Max, may we pet you? We love to pet you. It would be our pleasure if you would bestow upon us the honor of petting you.

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Maya hairball!!!!

Dharma, why are your feet wet?

Dharma, were you in the TOILET????

Go eat your hungry! Go on!

Emma! Stop licking Max’s butt! (Well, I DO believe in honesty….)

Maya! Be nice!

Fetch your rope, Emma!

Who’s the puppy? Puppy puppy!

Emma, don’t sit on Magpie’s head.

Emma! Get off of Magpie’s head!

Max, phone’s for you. Again.

Max, you have 278 new emails in your inbox.

Emma, you’re sitting on my foot again.

Emma! No kitties!

Where’s that Mr. Max? Where’s the best guy? Where’s that orange stripedy catsum? THERE he is!

Hi, Max!

Daaaa Max! Da Max!

Max, here’s more fan mail.

Magpie, guard the house.

Here comes fatty! (Which is always shortly followed by massive bitings.)

Magpie, were you a bad puppy?

Magpie, you’re the perfect dog.

Max! You’re shedding all over the couch. (Whatever! Was not.)

Dharma! Aaaaaahhhh! OWEEEEEE!! My toes– ow! Stop that! Go to sleep!

Emma, get in your kennel.

Emma! You’re gross!

Maya, you look so innocent when you’re asleep.

Max. Max? Hey, Max! Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were texting. Sorry. Please continue!

Ma-ax, I’m SURE she feels the same way for you. Just give her time! You know how young she is. Yeah. Yes! I’m sure!

Max! It’s my turn on the iMac. You’ve been there for three hours!

Sweet, sweet home sweet home.

Ahhh, sweet domestic bliss.

Stupid prouncer!

Why is it so difficult for me to enjoy a good box? Why do I have to suffer from the presence of this vile, disgusting prouncing heathen-dog? I mean, come on. I’m Max, I’m a cat, and there’s a box. OBVIOUSLY I’m going to place myself inside that box. I don’t need stupid dogs coming around and ruining my fun.

Do you have to deal with dogs, readers? I hope not. At least, not ones like this one. Look at her! Just look at that fuzzle. You would not believe the slimy gackers I’ve seen–dodged!–hanging from it.

I’m so mad.

(Prouncer + fuzzle) x Max in a box = Max whacks galore

Big decisions

After thinking on it for a few days, I’ve finally decided on a day for my birthday. I liked the suggestions—thanks! I especially liked the one that got me cake and presents the soonest, but then I realized that I’m Max, and I get presents and cake whenever I want them.

So the day is October 13. How did I come up with that date, you ask? Reader, wonder no longer. It’s a grand date, it is. There once was a kitty named Antigone whose birthday was October 13. Snuffy, who was found among a pile of logs on a truck, is said to be born on October 13. Magpie’s birthday is also celebrated on October 13. So, while I, Max, am always unique and whimsical, I also relish in tradition. And this tradition of my family is to attribute one’s birthday to October 13 when it is not known for certain.

Meh. I’m a Libra! See how unique I am? Libra is the only zodiac sign represented by an inanimate object.

Look, I’m being a Libra. See me being a Libra?

Libra's like to let their fangs peek out. But just a peak, now!

Glimpse into my private life

Is there no such thing as privacy anymore? Paparazzi, beware! I still have all my claws and I have a ferocious Max-whack!