And since I love you, and since you make me purr like a diesel engine running on a combine in the rolling ridges and valleys of the most beautiful place in the world— Pennsylvania (meh!)— here is more me, Max, yours truly, in his Halloween hat.

Girlz can't resist me. She may look indifferent, but she's not.

That’s right. My tail is mixing fur with Dharma’s beautiful, luxurious, satiny-smooth snuggly-hoopdiddley velvetiness. And I’m in such heaven that I can’t even open my eyes cuz you know how when you’re all mmmm, lovin’ that nice comfy feeling with your fave hat on and then your lady is there but she doesn’t really know she’s your lady yet but you’re all mmmmm just the same? Yeah, that’s Max Heaven.

Know what? Max missed you, his faithful readers. He, er, me… Gar, I hate purring in the third cat! Sheesh.

My humans thought I looked, um, cute.

It’s true, I have been gone for a long time. But, as you all know, I was grounded from my iMac, then I was planning two weddings, and then I got lazy. No, you butt-mole, I wasn’t being lazy because I’m “fat.” Just watch it, you, or I’ll block you.

For all of you who are wondering, the weddings produced two new happily married couples. I had to go to PA for the first one and let me tell you, I’ve never forced myself to be that pleasant for that long ever before. See, everyone was counting on me to greet the guests and then M.C. at the reception, so I had to be all smiles and jokes and fun and Mr. Nice Max. I did ok. Then the second wedding came and that was for my people. They think it’s funny, how they left me behind after I did all that planning and work for them. I admit it was nice being away from the dogs for a while, but still! I, Max, do NOT get left behind.

They paid for it. Oh yes, they paid. I squashed all their pillows while they were gone. Observe:

You leave; I squash. SQUASHOOMIEEEE!!!!

Yes, I am again sleeping on her head. She must learn that I am Max, and I’m not to be trifled with. I sleep when I want to, and WHERE I want to.

Speaking of me, I saw this on Etsy a while ago. It’s so me! If I was still in school and I packed my lunch, you’re durn right I’d be sporting the Meh Sack. Awwww yeah!

I think you like it, too.

Why was I grounded, you ask? It’s so stupid. You’re just going to laugh or maybe get mad at my humans, but I’ll tell you. Your reaction is up to you and has no bearing on me and my already-established angryhood.

I was grounded because the female human said I wasn’t allowed to sleep on her head anymore because it made her wake up with, whatever, “sinus headaches.” She said I wasn’t allowed to use the iMac or the laptop until I stopped sleeping on her head.

I know! Obviously I’m Max, and I’m allowed to sleep anywhere I want. But I’m the bigger cat here, and I relented. I have slept on her head all this time just to prove my point, but I just really missed the internet, so I decided I can sleep on her stomach for a while instead. I told her I wouldn’t sleep on her head anymore… she said nothing about the rest of her. Meh! Meh meh!

Remember my box? I was just thinking about how much fun a good box is.

I loved this box. Man, what a great box.

Yeah, Joy just went hog wild for that puppy. Beats me— I don’t know why humans seem to like baby drool fiends so much. But I forgave Joy a few months ago.

So happy for Joy. Joy is my cousin Sidney’s mom. So, Aunt Joy, technically, but she’s more like my adopted aunt because she’s human and not related by blood to my humans, and since Sid’s a cat like me, Max, she’s my cousin-cousin.

Is anyone else out there getting married, or have been married? Sigh. I want to get married some day, too. I think it must be so nice to have somebody to come home to, who gum-runs you, plays bally-ball with you, and helps you bathe the tough spots to reach. Dharma and I do some of that stuff together sometimes. Not nearly as often as I would LIKE, of course, because I’m madly in love with her and she doesn’t know it….

If Dharma would marry me, I’d promise to do the laundry. Every week. And when she goes away on vacations that I can’t go on with her, I’d make sure the laundry was done by the time she got back.

Really, I would.

This laundry basket is officially empty.

Yes, it’s me– Max. I’m back! Sorry for the long-time-no-Max, but you know. I had to take another vacation, then my she-human went on a scary trip to the Smokey Mountains with some feral college freshmen and I was worried sick the whole time, then I had to help my dude-human with his homework… so you know! I’m busy!

I’m just minding my busicat, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. I take care of me, myself, and I, and my humans. See, they need me. Without me, Max, they’re… they’re….short-circuited. Like they don’t work right. Their wires get crossed and they start to electrocute each other! It’s true. So I’m here, Mr. Peace Guy Cat, and I take care of them. You know I have to cuz like they can do it themselves, noooooo way.

It does get tiring, however. I’ll admit that. Hey, no, it’s NOT a weakness. It’s just a big job and I’m just one Max (not like there are any other Maxes, shizzy no!). But yeah, I’ll get a little zombified after awhile. Like I did the other day. It was pretty bad. I didn’t give a meh about anything after I had my dinner.

And just at that moment, those ingrates choose to immortalize my zombification. As you can see.

Whatever! I still look gooood.

Nope. Noperooni, I did NOT hear you correctly just now. You know what? You’re making me mad because everyone on the planet knows it’s JUST A SAYING! Everyone except for you, you big stupid wiener.

Durn it! Sometimes dogs can be so, so… caninical. I totally lost my path of least resistance. Ummm… MMMMM, ice cream with caramel! Thanks, Dad! You ROCK. Rocky rocky rockin’ my world!

Oops, got sidetracked again! Ok ok ok, I’m good now. I’m back! Max is back and you are not going to believe what I have in store for you. It’s a drawing. Of me, Max. No no, not THE drawing (or “likeness” as I like to say, because it’s old-fashioned, like me. Chivalrous, and all that.) I’ve been telling you about, but another one. An older one. The first one, in fact. I hope you like it.

I think I look very good in this drawing. My name's there, too!

You’d be happy, too, if your likeness was being taken and it was almost finished. Or, so I’ve heard, anyway. Argh! The agony of the wait! Arghedemoo, the agony of the anxiety over whether or not it will be like me at all!

Don’t you hate it when somebody says they’re going to draw a picture of you and you’re all, “Whatever, that doesn’t look like me.” Yeah, I hate that, too.

In the meantime, here’s a picture that’s worth a thousand words… to me, and maybe you if you’re creative. I’ll let you guess what’s going on. Did somebody in my peanut gallery just holla “caption contest!”??? Awesome! Ok! Let’s rock:

Caption contest! Reply with your ideas...

Maya, get down!

Emma! No!

Maya! Don’t eat that lizard!

Emma, stop licking my leg.

Emma, get out of my shower.

Dharma, please purr a little less loudly, ok? (Ahh, my sweet Sweet spreads her sweetness resoundingly!)

Super Snuff!

What’s Snuffinin’!

Max, you are the best, most handsome kitty the world has ever and will ever know.

High four! Yeah, Dharmy!

What’s a Magpie to do?

Who’s the best Pie?

Maya! Stop eating the tortilla chips!

Emma, sit. SIT!

Magpie, sit. Good girl! Shake. Awwww, who’s da Pie??

Max, may we pet you? We love to pet you. It would be our pleasure if you would bestow upon us the honor of petting you.

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Maya hairball!!!!

Dharma, why are your feet wet?

Dharma, were you in the TOILET????

Go eat your hungry! Go on!

Emma! Stop licking Max’s butt! (Well, I DO believe in honesty….)

Maya! Be nice!

Fetch your rope, Emma!

Who’s the puppy? Puppy puppy!

Emma, don’t sit on Magpie’s head.

Emma! Get off of Magpie’s head!

Max, phone’s for you. Again.

Max, you have 278 new emails in your inbox.

Emma, you’re sitting on my foot again.

Emma! No kitties!

Where’s that Mr. Max? Where’s the best guy? Where’s that orange stripedy catsum? THERE he is!

Hi, Max!

Daaaa Max! Da Max!

Max, here’s more fan mail.

Magpie, guard the house.

Here comes fatty! (Which is always shortly followed by massive bitings.)

Magpie, were you a bad puppy?

Magpie, you’re the perfect dog.

Max! You’re shedding all over the couch. (Whatever! Was not.)

Dharma! Aaaaaahhhh! OWEEEEEE!! My toes– ow! Stop that! Go to sleep!

Emma, get in your kennel.

Emma! You’re gross!

Maya, you look so innocent when you’re asleep.

Max. Max? Hey, Max! Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were texting. Sorry. Please continue!

Ma-ax, I’m SURE she feels the same way for you. Just give her time! You know how young she is. Yeah. Yes! I’m sure!

Max! It’s my turn on the iMac. You’ve been there for three hours!

Sweet, sweet home sweet home.